i admire you more than anyone i've ever known. you're such a brave and beautiful person. sometimes, i wish you would be more confident. you doubt yourself all the time when there's no need to.

i wish i could be as good of a friend to you as you have been to me.

u help me be a better person, well as far as being less of an asshole

i started starving myself this week.

I'm so scared of who I am.

I hate mirrors, not b/c of what I see on the outside, but b/c of what I see in my eyes.

I'm too weak to actually succeed at anything.

i still love the one guy who hurt me the most even though I tell everyone I don't and even though I haven't spoken to him in 3 years, I still think about him every day, and wonder if we ever see each other again, what things will be like.

I want to die, everyday I want to kill myself.

I'm not confident about where I'm going next year. Actually, I know I'm going there because there is no other place I can or will go. I will go and I guess I will have to be happy.
I miss all of my friends. I haven't been close to my best friend since she started dating her boyfriend over a year ago (we've had our moments, but for the most part... distance) He is so important to her and I want to be that important. Not in the same way that is he (obviously) but I want to matter, and be needed, and feel important, and like the past 5 years have somehow really meant something. Another close friend has a new boyfriend and while I haven't seen any less of her, I'm jealous. Finally, a third just sucks. Like really, she sucks at having any real sort of friendship of companionship and it pisses me off.
I feel that if I don't resolve this sort of stuff before we leave, it'll never be resolved. That scares me. It feels as if no one knows me better than these three, and while the idea of starting over with new people and friendships is enthralling, I don't want to have to start over with everything. I want my history and past and closeness remembered and honored.

I like this boy. He's a junior. Two and a half months ago his girlfriend of two years broke up with him and apparenlty she's been an absolute bitch to him. He wanted her back for a while, but now he swears he's over her. I want something to happen between us because I like him and I think he might like me back (this shocks me as much as anything else). I'm totally letting him take the lead because I'm leaving in three months. I like him and would feel agreesive enough to take the lead, but I think it might screw up our friendship. I like him, and I would surely be ok with whatever happens this summer.
I wish I could know what is going to happen or at least where it's going. It really would be absolutely fantastic to have a real non-sucky high school relationship. Plus I want to be wanted. and needed.

I can't figure out what I'm supposed to be, to myself, to my family, to my friends, to God, to anything. I don't know how to live my life, b/c I don't know what my life is.

Sometimes I think God doesn't listen to me anymore.

My self esteem is so low... some people, i've been told are jelous of my grades, my family life, my love life, but all i want is to be someone else... i don't understand what other people see in me. I'm supposed to be happy but i have such a hard time believing the good things other people say about me. I care too much about what other people think. when i get totally depressed, I sometimes start thinking about an "easy way out" again... I feel like no one cares sometimes. I feel like i've not made a difference to anyone, and if i were to not be here tomorrow, no one would care.
for a positive note i'm a lot better off than i was 6 months ago. I admire you and your strength, even if you don't see it. I feel bad that I don't comment on ur journal more, but i ALWAYS read it. i think you're beautiful both inside and out.

You're a beautiful person and friend, sorry if I've ever let you down. I have a hard time caring for others since I hate myself so much. I haven't told anyone, but I have an eating disorder. I like to cut myself all the time just to punish myself for being such a pathetic waste of life. I think about suicide every day. For the first time ever I actually came close to it the other day. I wish someone would shoot me or give me a quick, painless death to put me out of my misery.