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Half-life

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up really isn't your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place to put your shit, the idea of home is gone. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You'll never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself for your kids or the family you started. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea. Maybe that's all a family really is: a group of people that miss the same imaginary place."-Garden State


After seeing it for the second time yesterday, I really heard that part of the movie, and it resonated with me. It's exactly what I've been saying for months now. I told someone this and they asked me what home was supposed to be. I didn't know. Even though I have two places to live, and I spend equal time in both of them, I don't have a home anymore. Maybe that's just the way it is when you get older, and it happens at different times. I've been hoping that I'll be able to make a home for myself in Tallahassee. My hope is to have people around me who care about me and whom I can see any time I want to...to make a sort of family in the place that I'm in over time. I know it doesn't happen automatically, but I do believe that I will have that and I will be happy.

I feel like I'm walking around in regular time at a regular speed while everyone else is on fast forward all around me. I feel like a lot of my friendships are messed up, and maybe I'm not paranoid, maybe it's actually true. Not all, mind you, but a lot. It's funny, back when my dad used to have the N at his house (home of Degrassi and RFR) they didn't have commercials. Sometimes they had music videos in between shows, and sometimes they had poems. I'll never forget this one line of this guy's poem/rap: "everybody's posing, but really we're just plain scared". It's so true. It feels like I'm just walking around pretending to respect people I don't, to enjoy things I loathe. I'm doing it for everyone else. I'm scared not to. Why do we live our lives for other people? I don't understand it. It's like every single one of us has a person we want to please, and even thought deep down we know it's never going to happen, we do it anyway. At least I do.

I wonder sometimes why I care. Why I'm trying to make relationships work that just don't. I want to say something, but it's never a good time, so I shut up. Maybe I should just do it. Why do I care? I don't get it. Less than a year from now I will have already made the decision about whom I'm going to keep in touch with and who I won't. Every huge life transition is a chance to have a clean slate and leave those behind who, quite plainly, deserve to be. I would expect that those who felt that way about me would do just that, as I will do with them. And then there are those people you cannot help but express your love for. There are people in my life, very few, but they exist, who make me smile because they exist and I feel my love for them radiating from me like a beacon. Everything around me could be going to hell, but that person just makes it okay by breathing, by living, by existing. There are people who might as well be my sister, who know plenty of stupid things I've done and still love me anyway, who insist on helping me with trifling matters when they have bigger things to do themselves, no matter how many times I tell them they should concentrate on their schoolwork or their college apps or their jobs.

Every time I say things like this I feel like I'm telling people they're not good enough, but that's not it at all. It's not about good enough. It's about backing up your words with actions. It's about me being able to respect you. Most people don't apply to the negative side of this.

Why do I care what anyone thinks, anyway?

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
awriterswindow
Sep. 19th, 2004 12:43 pm (UTC)
Anytime! We have to stick together. :) It was great talking to you.

I love you too. :)
awriterswindow
Sep. 19th, 2004 12:42 pm (UTC)
:) <3
neuroticangel
Sep. 19th, 2004 01:33 pm (UTC)
Home isn't a place to put your stuff... home is a place where you're comfortable being yourself, where you know that even though you have problems and have to hide them around your friends, your family, your co-workers... you'll never have to hide your problems there. It's a place that shouldn't be a temptation, or a hell, or even an occasional hang out... it's a place to live... as yourself. WOW for the corniness huh^^
Kira
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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