December 8th, 2010

don't fuck this up

LJ Idol/Tie Breaker: Balancing Act

I can't do this anymore. The words escaped my lips before I could even register the thought, and then they were hanging precipitously in the air. I could not catch them, and instead I waited for a response. Lately, it seems whenever I say something like this, whenever I reveal that I am at my breaking point, nothing is said. No one grabs onto those words like a life raft and comes to my rescue. Perhaps it is because this is something people say, but rarely mean.

I can't do this anymore.

When I say it, I mean it. I am not sure how I can go on living this way. My graduate program preaches wellness and self-care, yet between my schoolwork, my full-time job, and my relationships, I can't seem to find the time for either one of them. We are expected to find balance, yet I have never found the secret to keeping everything going at once. If this balancing act were one of my classes, I'd be failing; if it were my job, I'd be fired. I often feel as though I am losing my sanity, myself. When I step out of myself and watch the woman who throws a tantrum in her kitchen, who is crying and yelling at her partner because she is truly at her wit's end, I do not recognize her. I observe from afar, fascinated, thinking, Wasn't she fine a couple of minutes ago?

This is most likely what my partner is thinking when I call him out for his failure to respond to my previous statement. Doesn't he care? I am crazed with the thought that perhaps he does not see my desperation, my precarious position on the very edge of myself. Perhaps I could dive in to the angry, churning sea of my frustration and no one, not even the person who loves me the most, would even notice.

I didn't know what to say, he said. I didn't know how to help you. I want to, but I don't know what you want.

I am frozen by that statement. I am not sure how to voice what I want, what I fear the most. Eventually I find my voice and tell him I am afraid. I am afraid that because I have been to that place before, because I have not only jumped into that churning sea but swam in it, became it. I am afraid that my mind knows its way back there all too well, and that it is where I am headed once again. I am afraid that this time, like all the other times, I will slip away and no one will notice. Once again, I will pretend so well that no one knows I am drowning in there with a fake smile on my face. I tell him that I need to know that he will notice the signs that I am slipping away. I need to know that he is concerned, that he cares. I am tired of being alone in this process, this madness. Save me.

This is my tiebreaker entry for therealljidol. I really hope that I will be able to continue on in this competition...but if I don't, thanks to all who got me this far and gave me advice. You rock. Please vote for me if you enjoyed this!